I wandered up to a few of my friends the other day as they were sitting in a bar, watching a slow-moving procession on the news.

Me: Whose funeral is it?
P: America's. It's Bush's inauguration.

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Known to those nearest and dearest to him as Mr Kitty, this feline actually transforms into various creatures on a day-to-day basis. On days when he only comes inside to eat, meowing loudly, he becomes the Evil Squeakball; on others, when he hides under the dining table waiting for tasty morsels to fall from the sky, he reveals his Little Grey Monster nature.
Sometimes, when too sleepy to come inside he becomes the Lazy Pile of Cat.

Mostly, however, while greedily eyeing off your meal, he purrs loudly, trying to lull you into a false sense of security. He whispers that just the tiniest taste of your food or milk would make a world of difference to him. And he, the Purrball of Innocence, insists that he would never even think of taking your food from you without your will.

But the moment you look away, your food magically evaporates and the Purrball of Innocence is mysteriously replaced by the distinctly guilty-looking Worm Which Cannot Be Trusted.

Exposed for his treachery, the Devious Worm is banished to the back yard where he lies in wait amid the knee-high blades of grass. Here, the Snake in the Grass plots his next entry into the stronghold, at which point the cycle begins again.

This may look like a simple and innocent domestic cat, but be assured that this is not your run-of-the-mill feline. This grey coat of fur houses one of the most calculating minds on the planet. He cannot be trusted and must be kept in sight at all times.

Look after your dairy products, people, and watch for claws and teeth - the Worm has been known to use these razor-sharp weapons to defend his meal against intruders.

Your next bowl of icecream may be your last.

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